neglect all again. this week, i felt really really terrible. i felt that i meant nothing to you.. i felt that all i was to you was a source of notes, a source of info.. and someone you could vent ur frustrations on. i felt that i was just some walking talking atm machine...that didnt need any love and concern.
i told u about my plans for the dec hols cos my daddy asked if you wanted to come along. but its ok if u dont. cos i know that when its holidays, there is no time for me. cos u will need to be home.. and that if i really wanted to spend time with u.. i would need to come over. and it really doesnt matter if i;m in aussie when its the holidays.. cos u dont seem to miss me. or at least tt how i felt when i kept asking u if it meant anything to you if i was here during the sept hols.. the only time u seem to admit to wanting me ard is when u are alone.. esp when ur family wasnt ard, it seemed tt was when u missed me the most.. when they are ard, it doesnt matter or not if i;m around or even if i;m ok or not.
the whole week has been a week that i wished never happened. i still am in shock that u said that u seriously regret spending time with me.i cant believe that u actually said that and that even when i wanted to believe that u said that in a fit of anger.. u said that u actually meant it.. and that things were 'seriously not worth it'. thanks baobei. i've never felt so useless and so worthless in my whole entire life. i so appreciate being so worth-less to you.
what hurts me the most, is that u know how much the other couples are so loving and affectionate on campus and even during lectures and tute. and as much as i know that u have ur rule of no hand on campus, the least u cld do is to show some affection outside uni.. i dont understand what so hard abt wearing a ring to uni...
i know tt u need to go home for dinner. that if u go home early, ur parents wont worry so much. that if u go home, u can watch tv with ur family and have family time. you can help out at home.. and also be free (in a sense) to do whateveer u want without having to listen to me.. or having to worry about paying for things and meals.. and that in a sense, everything will be there for u. its so nice to go home to a home... what u dont think about each day when u pull away from the carpark and drive home.. is that i drive back to an empty apartment that i'm supposed to call home. you dont understand that i;ve got absolutely no desire no urge no hurry to go back. that i would rather have uni till it was really really late and all i needed to go was go back and sleeep.. u dont realised that when i go back, i still have to worry about my meals, my bills, my laundry.... why dont u try going back to an empty shell for a week and ahve to worry about everything.. and see if u still ahve the desire and urge to rush home.. u see.
all i have is you. i confide in you. i put alot of trust in you. and i try so very hard to support u in all the things u want to do. why cant u show the same amount of respect and trust in me.. instead of just hurling vulgarities at me.. and venting ur frustrations at me..
